Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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