I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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