can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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