If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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