dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
