May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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