she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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