If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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