he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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