I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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