dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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