my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My life is pants optional.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
