I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
