VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
