In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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