Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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