So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
