just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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