: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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