thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
