I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
