i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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