I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
