i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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