Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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