But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
