I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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