I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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