On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
