Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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