ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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