today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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