I think I won the penis lottery.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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