i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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