Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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