I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
