Cold hands, warm shart.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
