Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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