Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you win again, gameday.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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