my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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