Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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