I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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