While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
