Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
