I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You made out with two different species that night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
