'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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