We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
