Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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