dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
