too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
