Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
