did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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