I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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