Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
