the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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