If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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