made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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